Sin.cerelychaotic

recent posts

about

I’m the friend that laughs too loud, overshares too honestly and occasionally cries in my car followed by blasting the music and putting on a concert for all of traffic to see. I’m using this space as an open book to touch on my journey as a divorced mom of two; touching on mental health, co-parenting, the traumatic experiences that I’ve since turned to a solid lineup of dark humor that has molded me into who I am today and more. I’ll keep it real and I’ll keep it raw. Welcome!

  • Spoiler Alert, the next one won’t fill the void

    Some people are chasing validation to fill the void of the reflection looking back at them.

    They’re chasing a constant reassurance to remind them that they matter.

    It’s an addiction to the rush of feeling wanted and desired.

    A new person, a new message, a new notification to light up their phone.

    They are looking for attention from multiple sources to boost their self esteem.

    Something to remind them that they are good enough. A fix for their self doubt underneath.

    They’re chasing an endless loop.

    Eventually, the dopamine fades and they’re back at square one scrolling again.

    The right connection doesn’t require a constant performance to keep the spark alive.

    Unfortunately, most people aren’t comfortable enough to sit alone and do the inner work it requires for growth and healthier future connections.

    Learning to love yourself and be able to enjoy your own company is the key foundation of keeping a real long term connection.

    The rush always fades.

    What’s left is a real person with expectations. Flaws. Real day to day stuff.

    It’s not about finding the next spark.

    It’s about finding yourself so that you don’t repeat the same patterns.

    You need to learn to be happy with yourself or you will never feel fulfilled in any of your relationships.

  • The first time I didn’t run

    They tell you to sit with the pain. Not to run from it.

    But what if that’s all you’ve ever known? What if you’ve only ever alleviated the hurt with distractions and substances?

    The first time learning to sit with the emptiness that overcomes you is the hardest. The urge to replace the pain with a temporary relief is strong.

    But they say to let yourself grieve. Let yourself cry. Apparently you need to feel it fully in order to fully heal from the source that caused it.

    Sure, sounds simple. As if sitting with the pain is something everyone knows how to do. As if it’s a rain shower that passes in just a few minutes.

    But what if avoiding the pain is all you’ve ever known?

    For most of my life, well..my entire life, every heart wrenching moment came with an escape.

    I learned from an early age that I would need to master the art of detachment.

    Growing up in an unstable environment, where moving from one place to another, for a good chunk of your life will teach you early on not to get attached to people.

    Growing up when nothing actually belongs to you teaches you not to become attached to items.

    Without warning, I’d lose it all. More than once.

    The town I lived in, filled with my friends. My bedroom, my belongings. My pets.

    I had bounced around and re-started my life more times than most adults by the time I was entering high school.

    Eventually you learn to detach from people, places and things.

    Adults that were supposed to protect you and keep you safe had turned their backs. They’d turn a blind eye. They’d shrink your experiences.

    Then one day you’re turning to distractions. Substances. Impulsive decisions. Anything to numb the pain in realizing your entire life is built on unstable foundation.

    “Kids are resilient”. That’s the saying , right?

    “You turned out alright” I hear that one a lot.

    You learn to master the art of detachment in order to protect yourself from the pain.

    On the outside everyone sees you as put together. They see your accomplishments, the materialistic things you have.

    They don’t see the road it took for you to get there. The pain you had to swallow and never see again.

    Well, a few years ago I made the decision to stop silencing the pain and learn to process suppressed emotions. I began EMDR therapy and started working on my traumas and avoidance issues.

    It took two years for my therapist to convince me that I needed to put my walls down and learn to let people in. To trust that not everyone has wrong intentions. That not everyone is going to leave.

    Two years.

    Well, she was wrong.

    Suddenly I’m left sitting with a pain that I don’t know how to carry and every instinct is to run, to numb, to distract. Fill the void.

    It’s not even that the heart break is bigger, I’ve endured way worse. It’s that it’s the first one I haven’t buried.

    It’s the first one I feel like I caused for myself. Because, I should’ve known better.

    And even so, I’m still learning not to run.

  • The Progression of the Depression Cloud

    The progression of the depression cloud is when, suddenly, what feels like a moving storm cloud begins to overcome your body.

    You can see your friends and everyone you know in the sun on the outside, looking happy and smiling, and you know that if maybe you just reached out, something as simple as asking a friend to get together that maybe it would probably help. But instead, you isolate. Because when you’re depressed you start thinking you deserve to feel that way, like it’s some kind of karma, like you’re worthless.

    You don’t just isolate, you push away the people who love you the most. You ghost texts. You stop answering calls. Not because you don’t care about them, but because you don’t want them to see you hurting. You don’t want to become another burden in their lives or make them hurt because you’re hurting. It feels easier to disappear than to let the people you love watch you fall apart.

    Sometimes it even feels easier to isolate or spend time with random people you barely know than to be with the people who truly love you. Strangers don’t know you’re struggling. They don’t see the sadness behind your smile, and they can’t tell that you’re not yourself. Around them, you can pretend you’re okay for a little while without feeling exposed.

    Ironically, most people can’t even tell you’re depressed. You’re the life of the party. You’re the entertainment. You’re the one making everyone laugh because seeing other people smile gives you a momentary escape from what you’re carrying. If everyone else is laughing then maybe for a second you can forget that you’re hurting. So people assume you’re okay, never realizing you’re quietly falling apart inside.

    So you talk yourself out of reaching for help in the sunlight, where all your friends stand. Sometimes you even surround yourself with people who make you feel worse, who seem to confirm all that self-hate that you already feel for yourself.

    Eventually, it feels like the cloud has lifted because you stop crying and stop feeling sad but it’s not necessarily because you’re better, it’s because you’re numb. You don’t feel anything anymore. And when you can’t feel anything, suddenly you start chasing adrenaline. You look for anything that might make you feel alive again which includes taking risks, staying constantly busy or making impulsive decisions….not because they’re fun, but because feeling anything is better than feeling nothing at all. You crave the feeling to simply feel.

    People check in. “Hey, are you okay? I haven’t seen you.” And you say, “I’m fine. I’m good.” All the same. Maybe even crack a joke or two. Because, at first, compared to the heaviness the numbness that comes after the sadness actually feels like relief.

    Then one day, you realize you haven’t brushed your hair in days. The laundry is overflowing. You’ve been eating like garbage. There’s dishes left in the sink over night. You’re still wearing the same sweatpants. You go to sleep with your alarm set, but deep down you don’t really care whether you wake up.

    And that’s when you realize you’re not fine. You’re severely depressed.

    And if you’re reading this from underneath your own storm cloud, I hope you know you are not alone. You don’t have to carry the weight of the storm on your own.

    While the storm cloud can feel like it’ll never lift it eventually does and the sun will be there on the other side waiting for you.

  • Hurt People Hurt People

    We’re all familiar with the phrase that “Hurt people Hurt people”. While I believe this saying to be true, I also believe that hurt people can heal people.

    I’ve had my share of experiences that have tested me in ways I never expected. Heartbreak, grief, loss, and caring for the wrong people. Like many, I carry wounds that date back to childhood. These experiences have helped shape the way I view the world and my relationships with people.

    I’ve been hurt more times than I can count. I could use my pain as an excuse to become bitter, to close people off, or to repeat the cycle. When you’re hurt enough times it can feel tempting.

    Instead of making me want to hurt people the way I’ve been hurt my pain has done the opposite.

    It is because of my pain that I care more deeply because I know what it feels like to carry a pain that no one else can see. Even at my lowest I still try to make people smile.

    I understand that many people who hurt others are acting from places of unresolved pain and emotions they haven’t quite been able to process. They’re expecting to be disappointed, abandoned, or betrayed, so they protect themselves in unhealthy ways and hurt those around them before they can get hurt.

    Every single day we have a choice. We have the ability to choose who we want to be and how we want to treat people. We can continue the cycle, or we can break it. It’s all a mind set.

    We can’t control what has happened to us but we can control how we move forward.

    Me? I’ll continue to give the love I want to receive regardless of the cards I’ve been dealt.

    Sure, hurt people hurt people. But hurt people can also heal people.

  • Closure

    Sometimes we have to let go of people in our lives.

    The desire for closure is human, but it’s not always necessary.

    Most of the time the apology we deserve never comes. This isn’t because we don’t deserve the apology, it’s because the other person often can’t face themselves. They’re avoiding accountability and protecting their ego.

    Well, while we think closure is a final conversation, sometimes the silence or actions that follow is all the closure we need. If it’s silence, that’s often the loudest message. Actions will always reveal what someone’s words will hide.

    When you sit around waiting for the closure that inevitably never comes, you continue to disrupt your own peace.

    It may hurt at first but as each day passes, you begin to accept it. You sit in the pain, you reflect, you heal and you grow. You learn from the experience and move forward.

    Suddenly, you start sleeping better. Your skin is clearing up. The tightness in your chest has disappeared and you no longer feel like you’re stuck in fight or flight 24/7. You realize how draining the situation was.

    Everyone around you is telling you you’re glowing and asking you what you’ve done differently.

    All you did was accept the truth for what it is.

    Letting people show you who they are, without chasing an explanation, is it’s own kind of freedom. And that’s when you realize, you’ve gotten your closure.

  • When the mask slips

    There’s a certain kind of grief when you realize someone you thought you knew was an entirely different person. When the mask slips it’s utterly disappointing. It’s the shock of realizing a person you trusted was simply performing and manipulating your perception of the relationship that you shared.

    You think back to how you silenced your intuitive feelings and gut instincts of when you felt wronged and forgave numerous times. You replay all the moments, good and bad. At first you process with anger. After the initial anger passes, you push aside logic and begin to question reality. Then it turns to sadness.

    It hurts twice. Once because they let you down and again because the only person who can soothe the pain is the one who caused it and nobody seems to understand that. You’re left carrying this empty feeling.

    While you’re grieving the routine and someone who became one of your favorite people, others are telling you to be grateful you saw their true colors and move forward. Meanwhile you’re the one sitting with the memories, the what-ifs and the heavy silence. You’re questioning what was real and what wasn’t. Was it all a lie? You question your worth and wonder where you went wrong or how you even fell so easily into their web of lies.

    The truth always comes to the surface whether its days, weeks, months or years. And it’s always so fucking disappointing.

    This can happen in all forms of relationships; family, friendships, partnerships. The hardest part isn’t losing the person, it’s losing the version of them you believed existed.

    Betrayal leads you to question your judgement and even your ability to trust yourself.

    After enough disappointment you stop wondering if people will hurt you and you begin to wonder how long it will take before they do. That’s the real gut wrenching feeling.